Today I write to tell the world that it lost something amazing. Ti is gone.
He is gone.
I thought I could write this today. But I can’t stop looking at the words. He is gone.
I want to tell the story. Why is it so hard? Three days before, Ti started feeling very picky. Ti loves to eat. How can he be picky? But he was. I tried not to panic, and bought him some special foods. I remembered my friend telling me that her dog with cancer stopped eating, but it ended up being an ulcer from her medications, and with treatment, she started eating again, and lived on longer. On Tuesday, while I was out buying him meat, he vomited dark brown blood. During this time, I had also been questioning his breathing. It seemed sharper, quicker, louder, and more from the belly than the chest. I had hoped that the ulcer was the reason for that too. Perhaps he was nauseous, or just in additional pain from the ulcer.
I went to the vet and got him a script for Sucralfate. This was to coat his stomach where the ulcers were. I would know if it worked because he would eat dinner that night if so. He ate a few bites. That was good. Maybe it was working. If not, we would go to the vet the next day for an injection of anti nausea meds.
Instead, I woke up to blood all over my kitchen and dining room. Immense amounts of blood. He stood there, looking at me. He didn’t want to walk through it to get to me. I woke my husband and told him that he needed to get to the ER immediately. Ti laid down and watched me clean up. I was trying to make a path for him. He seemed stuck.
Once I had a path cleaned for him, I put him outside, so that he could go up to my husband and get in the car to go to the vet. I thought (as usual) that my husband was taking too long, and I thought if Ti went up to him, he would be forced to hurry. But Ti, my boy, he wanted his mama. He pushed the door back open with his massive head. I will never forget hearing the door open and thinking it was my husband and seeing Ti’s face instead. That was the last time I would see his face in the house. I wish I had been more affectionate then, instead of panicky.
I had to stay behind to get the worst of it cleaned up. At least the pools, and then get the girls to the vet with me. I was afraid I would come home to the mess, without him, and that was too much to bear.
I tried to keep hope in my heart that this was just a really bad ulcer, and that there was some easy fix for it. I drove there to the ER, trying to keep brave. When my husband called because the tech asked him if we would want to resuscitate him if he went into cardiac arrest, I felt my legs go cold and numb. I was afraid I would pass out, while driving with my kids. I was gulping air and trying to slow my breathing down. I know that this is a semi-routine question when your pet is really sick, but it shook me to my core.
When I got there, they took us back into a room, and they asked about X-rays. I told them that I had just had some taken within the week, because I had concerns, but the (regular) vet said they were clear. I didn’t think they looked great, but I am not a vet… so I tried not to worry.
The ER vet said that there was a lot of fluid in his lungs. I showed her the X-ray we had taken, and she could see some fluid in them. She said it was worse now. And it must have gotten worse quickly. My only option was to tap his lungs to buy time. How much time? I asked. Two, maybe three days, before they are this bad again. He would have to come off his pain meds. I didn’t see how that was possible. I did not want his last days to be in extreme pain while his lungs filled with fluid. How tempting it was though. Knowing that there was a way I could bring him home again. Even just for a while.
I needed to see him. I needed to talk to him. I asked them to take me back to him, and when I saw him I knew. He was so uncomfortable. Struggling so much to breathe. He lifted his head when he heard my voice, and I took the place of the tech that was holding his oxygen tube. I talked to him, but I didn’t even need to ask if he was ready. His eyes told me.
We asked to go to a private room and I laid down on the floor with him, we all did. We cried into his fur and we told him how much we loved him, that he was a good boy. The best boy. We laid all around him like that while the vet did her part. I told him that he could go “night night” now.. and he did. The labored breaths had stopped.
I did not want him to die at a hospital. I wanted him to be at home, in the grass. That was not to be. The one thing that was how I wanted it, though, is that he did not waste away. He was not emaciated, he was not a shell of himself. When his pain left his body and found it’s new home in my heart, his body looked as strong as an ox. It was as if you were to clap your hands and say, “up, up, up” as we often did, he would hop right up and be ready to go. The only outward sign of his illness, his labored breath, was no more. He looked like the most beautiful dog in the world. And he was.
My heart is broken. I am so sorry for your loss. Ti was a kind giant. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with him and his brothers. You were all he could’ve ever wanted in a family. I know he loved you with all his heart and more and I know he’s especially grateful that you allowed him to pass with dignity.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s so heart wrenching to have to say our goodbyes. It doesn’t matter if it is sudden or if you have time to prepare. The only consolation is knowing that our babies were well loved, that they were our family and that they will live on in our hearts. Run free, sweet boy!
I am so very sorry for your loss. He was a spectacular and amazing boy. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. God speed Ti!
I am so sorry for asking you the questions on the forum last night…I had no idea at the time that he passed that day. My heart is broken for you and I have never even met you. My Theodore will be 7 in May (hopefully) and is almost #230…like your boy. Just got the diagnosis this Tues…working on pain management now…and I am crushed as I know your pain will be mine soon. We are Mastiff lovers owning both a male and female (who is 8)..They are such a special breed and I know your loss must be tremendous…God Bless you and your family
We are all crying with you and our hearts break for you. Far too many of us know how you feel and the gut wrenching sadness just takes you to your knees…and it seems like it wil l never end.
Your love was strong enough to give Ti the greatest gift possible…the gift of releasing him from a body that no longer served him. Ti KNEW he could count on you for that.
At this point Ti didn’t really care whether he was at home or not. All he cared about was that you were there by his side…that is “home” to Ti.
The last paragraph you wrote shows how deep your devotion is to Ti. To add “one more day” would not have been for Ti. He already told you he was at peace and ready for his transition. I’ve seen too many times on here when fluids were drained and within a matter of hours they filled back up with a vengeance.
Jerry always reminds us to remember that the transition is just a blink of an eye compared to the thousands and thousands of glorious days we shared with our beautiful pets. With time, you will eventually be able to recall the delightful memories you and Ti created with eachnother. The grief will eventually be pushed further in the background. It never goes away, but the joys of sharing life with Ti will continue to come to the forefront.
It jas been a privilege to share this journey with you and the magnificent Tiberius!! Every picture of him just makes me want to jump through the screen and hug him! He melted my heart from the first second I saw him!
We are here for you. Please stay connected. We understand like no others can. It’s not easy my friend, not easy at all.
Yes, Ti infused your heart with his Spirit and freed himself from his earthly body. And you can bet as his energy soared “up, up, and up”, Jenna was there to greet him at the Bridge with lots of fake bacon! And my Bull Mastiff Happy Hannah had a bucket full of ice cream and platters of steak for him! The dogs are all so vibrant and fit and healthy the second they are released from their earth clothes! And they KNOW they are still with us…they KNOW they are lart of our energy forever…forever mates to our souls! And they knkw that once the grief subsides a bit, we will understand that they are always with us.
Surrounding you with Ti’s eternal grace and sloppy kisses.
Sally and My Eternal Light Happy Hannah and Merry Myrtle too
Rachel,
Thank you for sharing your last hours with Ti. I know it had to have taken a tremendous amount of strength to do that. Ti was so blessed to be part of such a loving and caring family. Even though your time with him was shortened—he did not know that. All he knew is that EVERY SINGLE DAY he was loved. To the very last moments.
I am sorry for your hurting heart and hope, in time, beautiful memories of Tiberius with your family will replace the sadness.
I never saw a picture of your boy before, he is gorgeous. I frankly stay away from the forum now that we are in a holding pattern because I know my time is coming. In the meanwhile I try and treasure every evening homecoming and every morning snuggle and it sounds like you did too. I could barely read your story because of the great sobs. I am so very sorry for your loss, but so happy you were his people.
I can’t begin to describe how sad I am for you right now, I’m soooo sorry.
Those final 24 hours had to have been so brutal for all of you, I can’t even imagine. But please know that you did right by him. You didn’t let him suffer and you took the compassionate route by setting his body free. Now Ti is always with you, with no disease, no hurting, no medicine to get in the way of his shining light in your life. He will never be far and if you listen closely, you will hear him. The kind of bond that you shared is something that never fades, it only gets stronger as you remember all of the lessons he taught you.
We are here for you now and always. Ti’s story will never, ever be forgotten.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss of your precious Ti. Reading through your posting has brought tears to my eyes so I can’t see to well to type. Just know you did the most selfless thing for Ti in letting him go. Yes you will carry his pain and the loss of him in your heart but he is running free and is healthy once again at the Rainbow Bridge. You will see your beloved Ti again some day and he will be so happy to greet his mama once more.
Hugs
Sahana and her Angel Leland
I am so so sorry for your loss. I have tears in my eyes & running down my cheeks. I am so sorry. You gave your boy the best gift that you could and let him go. He told you with his eyes and you picked up on it. He is running free and healthy. He will see you again at the Bridge
Hugs
Michelle & Angel Sassy